I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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