Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
