On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
