can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
