i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
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I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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