I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
