an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
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