I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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