the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
foreskin is a definite game changer
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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