I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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