so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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