One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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