Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The adults are the big ones right?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
