just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
