Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
