Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
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It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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