1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
