just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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