Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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