It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
