we have officially lost it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
