She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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