my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
