Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
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You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
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Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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