How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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