Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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