apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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