Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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