it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
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