these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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