I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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