I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
