1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
