I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
