He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
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