...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
