he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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