Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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