I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
