I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
