My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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