Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You ate ashes out of my bong
Randomize
