he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
