So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
