Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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