When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Randomize
