I will die if light touches me.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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