i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
