You work out of a Hotel?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
