Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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