I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Randomize
