my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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