Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Someone came in the potted fern
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
