Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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