Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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