I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
