I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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