having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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