hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
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his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
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The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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