I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
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i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
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Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.